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Musings of a Footy Widow
Written by: TITs ANonymouS (Titans)Nov 27, 2009 9:08pm
You know it’s that time of the year again when the headlines that had shouted “Death Toll Rises in Iraq” and “Economic Slow Down Equals Hard Times Ahead” have been replaced by “Footy Antics”. Yes, such enthralling topics as “League Hero Caught in Love Triangle with hand in Cookie Jar” replace the death and misery of our fellow man worldwide. Ho hum, already I pine for the days of national disasters. Nevertheless, it's footy season again. No more dinner table discussions about the kids, the job, the house or even the very old, but much beloved (by me at least) cat. If you believe the papers then you couldn’t be blamed for thinking that all players are sexual deviants. Judging by the recent alleged bunch of rapes, perhaps, there should be a team called the Grapes, along with Vikings, Ponies and even Chickens for heavens sake! Oh, the utter banality of it all! Here I stand, enshrouded in our (his) favorite team’s colored apron drying the dishes while he sits transfixed in front of the telly, bent forward, stubby in hand. He’s lost in a world of his own, either deliriously happy or so morose that it wouldn’t be safe to leave any sharp instruments lying about. His choice of language is a concoction of profanities and slang that even Oxford scholars would have difficulty interpreting. Nevertheless, though his mutterings may not officially be recognized as part of the English vernacular, their meaning is crystal clear. For those of us unlucky enough to be within earshot, the passion and venom shine through. Based on what he says, there seem to be some very strange “people” playing this game. Apparently, intelligence is an unnecessary requirement. He wantonly labels players and officials alike with some quite delightfully quaint terms; “you dumb gorilla” (as intellectually challenged as a lemur) and “you stupid ape” (someone with the mental agility of an orangutan) are stand outs. Apparently good looks are also not a prerequisite for this game. The phrase “face like a gibbon’s ring-piece” seems to be one of his favorites, as does “you great hairy chimp” (one who resembles a marmoset) just to name a few. The worst diatribe though is reserved for the guys who always seem to be wearing pink. Their names are all Ref. They are always singled out for special treatment and must endure the most horrific language: “as stupid as a dead wombat” or "as blind as Skippy in headlights". In fact, Skippy must be really old by now and with his failing eyesight, I wonder why his team allows him to continue playing? I am never sure what to think when I hear him scream “you crazy baboon” or “you monkey’s arse” (anus of a simian). Is he still talking about the footy or has he moved on to the zoo or a description of his boss? Still, sometimes there is a friendlier side to these games. There are a lot of players that must be terribly nice chaps; so much so that they are known as fairies or cup-cakes. I think that their mothers must be very proud of them. One thing I do know is that no matter how nice a player is, he always has a soiled jersey to bring home. This extra burden is passed to us; the wives. We already have to deal with the usual pile of soiled clothes that are carelessly strewn around the house. All, that is, except for the hallowed “team jersey”. This is treated with care, hung up properly and with strict instructions to only hand wash. Over the years, he has built up quite a collection, because, for some unknown reason, the team changes its style every few years. Maybe Target had sold out of the previous design and the new one was on special or something. It has to be something like this, because surely no team would voluntarily change their style and risk such reactions from their loyal fans about having to buy a “bloody new one again”. Thankfully, the first game is almost over now. He seems to be in a good mood, so his team must be winning. What a relief. When his team loses it’s bad enough but when they lose and should have won (well, according to him), he turns into one of those King Kong-like players and is a nightmare. According to Animal Planet, such monkeys are easy to appease, but my hubby is impossible.
Posted in the F7s Matches forum 25-March-2009
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